Vatican Declares War Against the British Empire

mouse-that-roaredFollowing the audience of the Argentinian President Cristina Kirchner yesterday to request that Pope Francis should intervene in Argentina’s long-running dispute with Britain over the Falkland Islands, the Pontiff declared war against the British Empire.

That very day, the Vatican Air Force  prepared its rubber band powered balsa wood aircraft loaded with Galtieri’s remaining exocet missiles. The Swiss Guard sent a task force of speedboats and sailing dinghies through the Strait of Gibraltar, hoping they wouldn’t be picked up on radar. Hostilities were expected to be long and hard.

Immediately prior to the declaration of war, Prime Minister Cameron recalled the British Ambassador to the Holy See and the Vatican ordered the mobilization of the Swiss Guards. The British Task Force had already been sent from Portsmouth to enter the Mediterranean Sea on the perilous voyage to the Italian coast to the west of Vatican territory. The Air Force was already circling, being careful to stay out of friendly Italian territory. The pilots had to be commended for their ability to fly at Mach 2 within an airspace of only one square mile!

President Barack Obama dispatched former President Bill Clinton to mediate the dispute between the Vatican and the British Empire. This morning, there were still hopes the parties could reconcile their differences. He urged the Pope and Prime Minister to attend a two-hour peace conference in Geneva. But talks broke down before they began when an Imperial agent discovered that the Vatican had secret plans to invade the British Empire.

Some of the Vatican Naval dinghies were becalmed before they entered the Atlantic and had to be towed to enable them to make better speed in spite of the weight of their armament. They found better conditions once they met the favourable Gulf Stream winds from the south-west. Swiss Guards were sent on bicycles through Italy and across the Alps into France to face the British Empire from across the Channel. They hoped to establish a beachhead the next day once the fleet of dinghies had arrived off the French coast. The French Government took it all as a big joke and decided to let them get on with it!

Kirchner and Pope Francis accused the British Empire of continuing to colonize and oppress the secretly Spanish-speaking inhabitants of the Malvinas, as they call the Falkland Islands. Prime Minister Cameron paraphrased Winston Churchill, saying: “We shall fight them on the beaches, in the churches, convents, confessionals, and everywhere else to defend our sacred Empire“.

Bloodshed was averted at a very late stage, given the slowness of the Pontifical dinghies running before the wind at a stately six knots. The Prime Minister’s bulldog has asked for an apology from the Vatican – Argentina alliance, and the United Nations passed a resolution to ratify this request if the Papal dinghies and balsa wood planes returned to their bases.

The British fleet, worried that a mere sneeze would blow away the formidable foe, prayed for divine intervention. Hope lies ahead as dialogue is restored.

Armageddon has been averted – Phew!

* * *

Update (serious): According to this and other sources, the Vatican’s policy is to stay out of this matter that concerns only the United Kingdom of Great Britain and the Republic of Argentina.

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2 Responses to Vatican Declares War Against the British Empire

  1. Jim of Olym says:

    Father, this is a keeper! One of your better efforts, I think. You could easily become the Wodehouse of churchdom!

    • Michael Frost says:

      Yes, is nice to see some good adult humor! Part The Mouse that Roared. Part Waugh’s Scoop. Part Greene’s Our Man in Havana. Can’t wait to see the movie version! Hope someone is big enough to fill Peter Ustinov’s shoes…

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